


with the words i can't say

by watergator



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-14 08:10:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19269211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watergator/pseuds/watergator
Summary: dan send his family an email





	with the words i can't say

He’s shaking.

Of course he’s shaking. He feels like every nerve across his body has been fried and blood and oxygen no longer is what’s keeping him upright, but instead it’s pure electricity and this weird nervous energy that’s pulsing through him instead, right to the tips of his fingers where he shakes ever so slightly.

His phone feels too hot, too heavy in his hand, so he sets it down harshly. The screen glares harshly at him, and Dan stares at it from where he’s sat at his desk.

He can’t do this.

In theory, he  _ can _ . He can hit send and the email that’s directed to his family will fly through the waves of the internet where it’ll land in three separate inboxes, all belonging to his closest family memories.

But he doesn’t hit send just yet. Instead he finds his thumb between his teeth and rips at the already broken skin there. It stings and he sucks at it as he feels the crease grow deep between his brows as he stares and frowns.

He’s scared. He’s scared because he has to do this. He has to tell them - he has a little folder on his laptop that has his new video tucked away, and maybe it could use another last check over to pry for any mistakes, but he needs to tell his family something, and although it’s not face to face, it’s still scary.

His phone eventually goes to sleep and the screen dips to black where he doesn’t have to look at the little words he’s written.

He lets out a breath, it comes out shaky as he pulls his hand away from his face.

He picks his phone back up and unlocks it with a press of his poor abused thumb.

It’s still there. The email all ready to go, waiting patiently. He looks at it, wondering if maybe he should delete it, maybe retype it all out again, or maybe call his mum and have a good cry first.

But he can’t. He’s wanted to do it like this, after years of never really being able to find the words and the place and the time; this is how he feels is the best way.

He checks the emails in the send bar one last time. With a press of his finger, his mum, his nana and his brother are all going to know.

They’ll read it, they’ll think about it, and in all honesty he’s really hoping at least one of them comes back to him.

And there’s that fear again. That with something as simple as sending an email, he might lose these people in his life.

He knows deep down he won’t. He won’t because his family aren’t like that. The things they’ve said in the past can be excused by him by the way the world used to be. They don’t make gay jokes anymore, they don’t say things that hurt him and he knows they know why.

He sucks in a breath, feeling dizzy from it for a moment as he holds the air in his lungs, and hits send.

It’s gone. And with that, he falls back against his chair with a creek and puts his phone back on the desk, being able to breathe.

He can see the little dim screen, where it’s returned back to his inbox. His heart beats hard against his chest where it kicks against his ribs as his eyes bore holes into the phone as he awaits a change.

Nothing yet.

He has a nervous jittery feeling in his leg that makes it bounce rapidly up and down, where it begins to spread against his body and he realises he can’t sit here any longer.

He gets up on legs that feel like they could run and instead, he walks out of his little office space.

Phil is sat on their grey sofa, browsing happily on his own phone when he looks up. His eyes are soft and welcoming.

“I did it,” Dan tells him. Phil’s small smile only grows.

“Yeah?” He says softly as he sets his phone aside, and his empty arms is the only sign Dan needs to walk over to him and set himself down beside him.

Phil welcomes him into his embrace where Dan awkwardly twists his body around his bury his face against Phil’s chest. It’s warm here and he can hear the steady heartbeat that seems far too calm for Dan’s one erratic one inside his own chest.

Phil places a kiss against his head, lingering there, buried in his curls as his long arms wrap around him to give him a squeeze.

“You alright?” He asks quietly.

Dan only hums. He’s not so sure himself if it’s a yes or a no. Right now he just wants to stay here forever.

“I didn’t check to see if they’ve replied yet,” Dan tells him, voice muffled by Phil’s shirt, until he pulls away to look at him through blurry vision.

“Mums probably at work so-“ he says with a hitch of his breath as he tries to blink away tears that threaten to fall.

“Adrian’s probably… I dunno and nana -“ he stops himself when he feels his heart lodged in his throat.

Phil looks at him, with such patience, reaching up to card his fingers gently through messy curls.

“I don't know, Phil. I want them to read it but at the same time I don’t,” he says, a nervous laugh that catches the end of his words go a bit wet.

Phil’s hand finds its way to Dan’s cheek where he cups it, his thumb running over the slight rise of his cheekbone.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Phil whispers to him. His eyes stare deeply into his and they hold so much emotion that Dan is sure he feels it physically in his chest.

“I love you and we’ll be okay.”

Dan chews on his lip, peeling away the skin there. It doesn’t always feel that way. So many times in his life has it felt like everything was the opposite of okay.

“I love you, Dan,” Phil says again, his hand is still resting sweetly on his cheek, and Dan’s eyes blur once again, this time he blinks and the fall.

Phil catches them with a thumb, brushing them away.

“Do you think so?” Dan croaks as more tears break free. “That it’ll be okay?”

“I think,” Phil says before he takes a breath, his eyes flickering over him carefully, “I think your family loves you. And I think they’ll still love you and I think you’re so fucking brave, Dan, for what you’re doing.”

His words settle in his chest, resting deep between his ribs where his burns with a happy kind of warmth. Like love.

Dan huffs a sad laugh through his nose and legs himself fall forward again into Phil’s arms.

Phil gladly takes him in, hugging him to his chest where Dan gets tears and snot smeared onto his shirt. Neither of them care.

“Thanks for always being so bloody brilliant,” Dan says after some time.

Phil only squeezes him tighter. “That’s you,” Phil tells him.

Dan hums a small laugh. He’s still scared and still nervous, but Phil manages to take some of that away at times. He replaces it with love and happiness and the feeling of acceptance he has here already.

“Do you want to do something?” Phil asks after sometime. The email has most likely been seen and opened and things have already started to change now as each set of eyes read over what he’s tried to say.

“Something to take your mind off it all for now?”

Dan thinks. Thinks about how maybe his mum is opening up her phone or how his nana and popsie are sat looking at their ipad now, and how maybe he’s gotten a text from his brother since he’ll be the first to do so.

God, he really hopes he’s doing the right thing.

Dan smiles, feeling his eyes grow wet again.

He  _ is _ doing the right thing. This has always been the thing he’s wanted.

“Dan?” Phil speaks softly, hands resting against his shoulder blade with the spread of his hand and Dan pulls away to look at him.

He sniffs, tears dribble down his face and he uses the back of his wrist to wipe away the snot left under his nose.

He gives Phil a wobbly smile, and Phil’s expression of concern melts into something warm.

“I think I wanna check my emails,” Dan tells him. His voice cracks his heart still feels fragile in his chest, but Phil reaches up and cups his face with both hands and pulls his head forward where he presses a warm, sweet kiss against his forehead.

When they pull away they’re both smiling silly.

“Okay then,” Phil whispers. “Sounds like a good idea.”

And it is. In the end.

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi on tumblr !! @watergator


End file.
